Jettison the F-Bomb

August 3, 2009 · Filed under Uncategorized

I came to a shocking realization this weekend. The F-Bomb is not a bomb anymore … it’s not even a firecracker, or one of those things you throw on the ground that makes a tiny little “pop” noise. The F-Bomb has degraded to one of those sampler packs of “fireworks” you can buy from the grocery store on the 4th of July that has a few smoke bombs, a package of sparklers, a box of charcoal “snakes” and one volcano that shoots a few sparks when lit. As anyone who has seen one of these fireworks packages in use, it fails to make an impression on even the most impressionable. Even three-year-olds get bored with charcoal snakes.

The issue here is overuse. It used to be than an exquisitely placed F-Bomb could make a point more sharp, or make a message stand out more, or even make a joke funnier. But when it is placed in a sentence as frequently as an article or a vocalized pause, it tends to lose its effect after a while. I mean, how shocking is “um” or “er”?

This realization came while I was at a concert with my 14-year-old niece. Every band that graced the stage was F%^&ING this and F%^&ING that and is everyF&*^INGone having a F$%^ING good F%^&ING time toF$%^INGnight? I wanna F#$%ING see everyone F#$%ING jumping up and F$%^ING down with this F#$%ING song Oh-F#$%ING-kay?

And my niece didn’t even blink. All of the other kids around us were doing the same thing … I swear I actually heard someone say “F%^KING F^&K those F%^&ING F#$%ERS”.

Which I think successfully uses F%&K as an adverb, verb, adjective, and noun and as both the subject and the predicate. Which is marks it as possibly one of the most versatile words ever.

Be that as it may, the meat of this realization is now that the word has lost its power as a way to shock, draw attention, or emphasize, and has replaced pretty much all of the other words in the English language, it just sounds kind of dumb … and makes the user sound kind of dumb. When you have to rely on just one word to convey emotion or emphasis or a sense of urgency, it kind of marks you as not very creative …

The worst part is, I am one of those people. I use the F-Bomb all of the time. I use it as an adjective and a verb and a noun and an adverb and as a vocalized pause and on and on and on.

I realized not only how dumb we all sound by overusing this once-powerful word, I realized how dumb I sound overusing this word.

And because I use it so very, very frequently, I am sure that my infant daughter will pick up on it and incorporate it into her vocabulary, and overuse it possibly more than those teenagers at the concert, and that is something that I cannot let happen.

The only recourse we have is to remove the F-Bomb from daily use. It will be hard, and it will hurt, but we have to do it. Otherwise this once majestic word that had the ability to make people blush and gasp whenever it reared its ugly head, the word that was an instant grounding if ever heard within the confines of home, the word that was the cause of much adolescent giggling on the playground and elevated the one brave enough to use it to instant rebel status … the word that functioned as the doorway to adulthood and was the harbinger of lost youth … this F$%^ING word that used to embody, in its one syllable, the very essence of standing against the establishment … will become (if it has not already become) as ho-hum as the words that we used to use to repace it in decent conversation, like “fudge” or “fricking” or “freaking”.

We cannot stand by and let this happen.

So I call out to all of you good and patriotic Americans to save this word by ceasing to use it in every day conversation unless the severity of the situation or the need for emphasis or the hilarity of the punchline absolutely call for it.

If we band together, we can F%&*ING put the F$%^ING explosiveness back in the F#$%ING F-F#$%ING-Bomb.

So let’s F#$%ING do it people … who is with me?